Forgive me readers for I have sinned… it has been 4 days since my last confession. Friday was an extremely busy day for me, and then we had our long memorial day weekend here in the united states. During which time I had zero desire to sit down and think of something worth reading. I have all these “rainy day” topics in my head, but have been unable to bring myself to sit down and actually formulate them.
To further my sinning, I have begun to play a deathknight. This is only a sin for those who know me well, and have heard me lament the fact that so many players abandoned “useful” classes to level a deathknight. I lost my tanking partner in crime, an amazing feral druid named Sanctifi, to the dark class. In addition to that we lost our best healing shaman to a deathknight. However both were very open and up front about this, and both have become the two deathknights I look up to the most. I patterned my DK after Roisen, at least in that I am leveling blood spec for maximum survivability.
I have to say that right now, leveling as a deathknight is much like I typed IDDQD in my chat window and turned entered “Degreelessness Mode”. I started the weekend at 56 and as of last night was halfway through 64. Right now he has taken the spot that the boomkin had, of my favorite non-raid activity. If I keep this obsession up I will end up with a fourth 80 before I know it. Yesterday I was happily playing along and “accidentally dinged”. You can tell I am enjoying myself, when I am not watching the xp bar at all. I need to slow down a bit, I have blown past my “leveling buddy”.
Dealing with the Guilt
As the main tank of our guild and raid, I carry with me a large package of responsibility, and with that comes a large degree of guilt and pressure. Last night we had planned a second night of 10 man ulduar, in an attempt to push on and get Assembly of Iron and maybe Auriaya. However yesterday I woke up with immense back pain, which I attribute to the extremely uncomfortable chair I was forced to sit in at the lake on Sunday. As the day drug on the pain got worse, and when we arrived home from the movies yesterday afternoon, I took one Flexeril that I had from a previous back injury.
It completely knocked me on my ass. I tried laying down for a bit before raid time, which caused me to get online a few minutes late, but this really had zero effect. As I stand there, in the rooms just prior to the Assembly of Iron trash, I was quite literally unable to keep my eyes open. I knew that without a doubt I would wipe the raid multiple times that night. A few players noted that they too were not really feeling up to raiding, so I thought that if I stepped up to the plate and announced that I just couldn’t handle it, the raid would eventually dissolve.
I am finding out this morning that this was not the case. So this morning I am dealing with a severe case of guilt as I abandoned the raid, and the other players who were also not feeling up to raiding, apparently swallowed it down and pushed onwards. So for other players who bring to the table a key role in a raid… how do you handle the guilt when you can’t make it? I still feel like me stepping out was the best option both for me and the raid, but I can’t seem to get past the sense that I failed as a whole. Had I known the drug was going to have such a serious effect I would have just dealt with the pain.
Dealing with the Obsolescence
The other thing I am struggling with this morning is the general feeling of being obsolete. It is really hard not to feel like the fate of the raid rests on your shoulders. When you are reminded of the fact that your presence really doesn’t matter that much, it is kind of hard to swallow. Last night, not only did the raid move on without a hitch in my absence, but they apparently downed a brand new boss. Which of course, dropped a new piece of tanking gear, giving our off tank one more piece of gear ahead of me. So this morning I am also struggling with that feeling that maybe my raid doesn’t need me at all.
There are times I feel pretty bulletproof, but there are also times that I feel like I am wearing paper armor. I am one of those players that strives to make sure I have the best possible gear for every situation. It feels like, especially in Ulduar, that our class is even more gear dependant than it has been in the past. With the crappy luck that I have had recently in getting the upgrades that I really need to remain viable, I am feeling very outmoded and ready for the recycle bin.
I should be excited and happy, that I have somehow managed to build a raid that is self healing and can keep moving along happily in my absence. On so many levels I am, because I am proud of the fact that we have so many leaders in Stalwart, that any one of them can pick up the slack when something goes wrong. But at the same time, it is very much a blow to my ego. How dare the world not grind to a halt when I can’t be there! I say that in joking, but at the same time, it is a bit disheartening that things went so smoothly without me.
Leading by Example
I felt it was important to make a post like this. I have posted a good deal of raid and guild advice in the last few weeks. All of it has been nurtured and compiled over years of leading a guild and raid. But by the same token, I think its important for you the public, to see that even though the final product comes together smoothly, I have the same fears and doubts that every player has. I am by no means special in any way other than the fact that I have a good bunch of loyal friends who will seemingly follow me to the gates of hell itself.
I am very much the type of person who will admit when I don’t know an answer. Often times I don’t know, or don’t even know where to look. However I am always willing to work through things as they come along. Right now I feel guilty for abandoning my raid for the good of my own health, but I know that it was the right decision as I hit the pillow at 8 pm and didn’t wake for a second until the alarm went off this morning at 5 am. Right now I feel obsolete because of the shitty luck I have had with gear, and the success that the raid has had without me. However I know that many players simply feel more comfortable on the nights they are there, and that while things go successfully, they don’t necessarily go smoothly. Me making this post, is in a way working through the issues I don’t know the solutions to publically.
Seriously, being needed is so much more than just about providing a top geared toon. It’s about bringing yourself. You’re a piece of puzzle that I’m quite sure is essential. Maybe not a single night, but for the health of the guild in the long run. I’m had to hear that you’re in pain and really hoe it will sort out. And stop that guilt trip, now!
I think every raider who has every sincerely enjoyed raiding worries about not being needed. In the realm of progression raiding, we often get the idea that being able to contribute to the raid encounters is our only means of justifying our presence in the raid group.
I went through a severe bout of depression when 3.0 hit because my class was completely demolished. It felt like Blizzard wanted to make sure and stamp out all the shammies in time for them to reroll DKs, which a lot of them did. I got to the point where I stopped signing up for raids because I felt completely useless, yet my friends refused to let me sit out.
The great thing about raiding with friends is that you’ll always be necessary because they enjoy playing with you 😀
Yes, I’m a full believer that Blizzard has engineered loot algorithms to screw your group over in any way imaginable. If there’s a piece you really want, they’re going to make sure it drops when you’re not there or the PuG you brought in magically has more DKP than you >,.,> Don’t sweat it; loot will eventually drop again, and in the end, it’s still just a game 🙂
Last night was far from smooth. On the attempt we actually downed Council, Valnor was calling out over vent to just wipe it out. I looked at the boss’s health bar, and how many people we had left alive in the raid. It was around 300k, and we had at least one healer, 2 DPS, and myself still up, with about a minute left on the enrage timer, so I was like, oh hell no. We kept pushing, when he flew up in the air I was literally using heroic throw and shooting at him to keep damage on him. When he came back down, we killed him with barely a second to spare.
Gear-wise, if it makes you feel any better, the cloak really wouldn’t have helped you much; the whole reason I took it was to compensate for the expertise I’m missing out on by using last laugh. Other than that it was a complete sidegrade. Our gear is still very much comparable, and if anything, you can take the hits better than I can, in that you have two separate tanking builds, one devoted purely to boss survivability.
If I learned nothing else on the first night of Ulduar this week, I learned 3 things:
1) It is totally possible to apply baby spice and bunny ears to someone who has consumed enough pygmy oil to be turned into a gnome.
2) It is also possible to run off the edge of the platform on Kologarn.
3) In a guild like ours, if somebody has to step out, there are many competent players to pull from to fill the position and get the job done, and the show will go on. It’s nothing to be upset over; it just means that you’re surrounded by a great group. And also, it’s a good thing you were there that night, because if you weren’t there to pick up my slack, there would have been at least one wipe caused entirely by me. /flex
If you have to take a night off, you have to take a night off. That off-tank you always entrust the shitty jobs to is entirely capable of stepping up to the plate and filling in your role until the job is done, and I’m always willing to if you need me. Keep your chin up, you’re doing great.
It sounds like you’re a great leader. Don’t feel guilty when you physically can’t play — and as far as gear goes, that’s one off-tank who you won’t have to roll against next time that item drops.
Man don’t worry about it. Let me just say it was more a matter of having the time to figure out the fight than anything else dude. We still wiped numerous times, and in the end only had time for a few attempts at Hodir when all was said and done.
Like Aigie said man we would rather have you healthy and raid than in pain and raiding.
As to the gear issue I feel way under geared most of the time as well. I still have yet to get gloves for either my Tank spec or my dps spec that are over item level 200.
As a leader, it is part of your job to give these people the confidence that they can do their job even if you are not there. In business, this would be the time when you’d be promoted to some other position that you flail around and feel overwhelmed in.
In each new position I get, I try to work myself out of a job. I try to make things run so smoothly that I can walk away and they would continue to operate without any input from me. Some people call me crazy. “OMG dude, what about job security? Don’t teach people your secrets or they’ll steal your job out from under you!” Honestly, I wouldn’t want to work with people like that anyway, so they’re doing me a favor.
It sounds to me like you’re doing a fantastic job as a Raid Leader.
I gotta say, hun, after reading that post I imediately thought of “Emo alert, emo alert.” but as I read on I realized that I, myself, have had the same feelings of “obsoleteness” when I wasn’t around to heal and it -seemed- like it didn’t even matter. So, you’re still being pretty emo about this whole thing, but I understand! hehe
Your health is more important than raiding. Remember this. I would rather heal a happy, stable, healthy Bel than a grumpy, unstable, sick Bel. And don’t worry about gear. You’re still the best damned tank that I know even if you’re not upgrading at the pace you FEEL you should be.
It will be OK, I promise. =)