People Are Not Pixels

In Black and White

Yesterday was a really weird day for me, past that I really don’t have the proper words to describe it.  Firstly I made a post, and it seemed to resonate with a large group of folks.  I will get back to that in a bit however, other than that it was one of the more stressful days I have had in awhile.  The concurrence of the two things happening at the same time was a bit of a godsend, as the internet literally got me through the day.  I am this odd dichotomy of social and anti-social.  When I am in my zone with people or topics that I feel comfortable with…  I can become a social butterfly.  When in the guild mumble or conversing in game or on twitter… I become an amped up version of myself.

However in the real world I am considerably more subdued, and wary of the spotlight.  Over the last few years I have been pushed more and more into a role of leadership within my job.  For a long while my goal was to avoid doing anything that got me into the paper.  Growing up I was in my small town local paper damned near every week… and it was a pretty claustrophobic experience.  One of the things I have always loved about living in the “big city” is that I could function more or less anonymously, and only show up on the radars of the folks I cared about.  However yesterday I had a scheduled meeting to be on a panel for a follow up interview to an earlier article.

The first time I was part of one of these panels, I thought I had dodged the bullet.  The article came out and there were no quotes attached to my name.  However over the course of that weekend another story came out outlining some of our development efforts.  Sure enough, almost every line had my name attached to it.  It is not like there is anything I want to avoid saying, or any problem I have with anything I said… but the whole experience stresses me out greatly.  I am hoping that I have actually managed to dodge it this time, because the reporter really did not seem all that interested in what I had to say.  However I had to psyche myself up so much for the whole experience that I just felt like I was crashing down afterwards.

Skewed Perspective

Most of the time I feel like I am blogging in the morning in a complete vacuum.  The fact that I choose to blog when I do doesn’t really help this much.  Generally it is dark outside, the house is completely quiet other than the hum of the various computers in my office and the occasional visit from cats.  To misquote Rowan, it sometimes feels like I am shouting into the void and never really hearing a response.  When you spend a lot of time operating in that mode, your perspective gets more than a bit skewed as was apparently the case yesterday.  I was bummed, and all the sudden it was like the entire damned internet gave me a flying tackle hug.  I am so amazingly humbled by the show of support from people I didn’t even realize were out there listening.  Much like Ardua is on a mission to hug everyone…  I just want people to feel as loved as I did yesterday.

While what I said seemed to strike a chord with a lot of people, and the spontaneous explosion of a post I expected to just wither quietly away came on exactly the day I needed a boost.  Some folks seemed to really “grok” what I was saying, and others simply thought I was asking for comments.  To be truthful… comments are awesome, and I won’t lie that seeing that many passing through my blog was an amazing thing to me.  However I would like to think this is not about ego as at least one person suggested.  What yesterdays post was about more than anything is connecting with people, on a real and permanent level.  People are simply not pixels to me, and that is really the point I tried to make more than anything else.  If we talk and interact, then I care about you and your own personal destiny, not just in ways where it is convenient for me to care.

People Are Not Pixels

Folks are amped about Wildstar, or Eve Online or Neverwinter…  none of which are things I care about at all, or have any real interest in.  However I am always excited to interact with folks on the level of things that they care about.  When a blog turns from gaming to more serious topics, I am interested as well, because it unravels the puzzle of each person and what makes them tick inside.  As Syl mentioned yesterday, the community is what you make of it.  So I am going to endeavor to comment more often on more blogs.  Quite honestly… I get self conscious at times.  “Tales of the Aggronaut” is my space in the world, and my buffer of comfort that allows me to get away with saying whatever happens to be on my mind at the time I say it.  When I leave my blog and visit others…  I feel somehow like I am intruding on someone else’s space.

There are many times I intend to comment, but backspace away the statement because I feel that it doesn’t really add much of worth to the discussion.  Jaedia mention that yesterday, the whole concept of having to take a deep breath and push the publish button.  That is me so many times, I don’t often value my own opinion…  so why should others?  Twitter and G+ are like this great neutral ground, where it feels like it is okay to bother people.  Since Twitter comments are so short, it feels like having to distill your comment to 140 characters somehow makes it more innocuous, less imposing.  Basically I am a bundle of self doubt and neurosis and I am going to try really hard to get past that.

I am sure I will have another downer of a day, but you all overwhelmed me with your giant group hug.  I care about each and every one of you, even if you silently supported my topic and didn’t muster the courage to say anything yourself.  That is me most days, so I fully understand.  There will be days I still feel like I am shouting into the void, but I need to keep adjusting my perspective.  Yesterday proved to me just how blessed I really am.  Some days I simply need to be reminded that I have a really awesome life, filled with so many amazing people that are there to support me when I falter.  So on that note… before I gush any further… I just want to give you all a heartfelt thanks.