Dredging Demons

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what to write today and quite frankly I have nothing much to say about anything. I played some SWG Legends last night and turned in a bunch of fractaline in Destiny 2, but past that I didn’t do anything of significance to talk about. I also find that I have no real inspiration as far as topics to branch out into. The last few days have been a struggle to get through and as such you are getting a picture of Josie fighting with a box to tide you over until actual content arrives. Hell maybe the content is hiding in the box that she is fighting with.

I'm having one of those spells where my brain is trying to convince me that no one actually likes me and at best barely tollerates me and any evidence to the contrary must be wrong

— Belghast ⚔️ on ol Menawi Carants 💚 (@belghast) February 11, 2020

Late Monday night I tweeted a thing out, and I am still more or less in this mental space which is making it super hard to be creative or thoughtful about anything. I appreciate the support that folks have shown me, but like… I am in a place where that almost makes it worse? I had an interesting talk with my friend Lyle aka @x1101 that put it into perspective as he struggles with it as well. I’ve known for awhile that I battle with impostor syndrome at work, because on some level I expect to be unmasked as a fraud and failure at every turn. He said that this whole feeling that I am having… is basically impostor syndrome but for friendships. That in the same way that I don’t think I have skills, I also don’t think I am worthy of friendship.

When I have these doubts I don’t share them because I want positive reinforcement, because really that doesn’t work in the way that you would think it works. I share them largely because I want the other people out there who are struggling with their own mental and emotional prisons to know that they are not alone. I’ve been told that I am someone that people entering the blogging community find intimidating. Like I am someone who has their shit together and such and seemingly is not easy to approach with comments or ideas. While I do not at all get this, because in my head I am nothing… I have heard it enough times to know that it is apparently a thing.

So my hope is that when I share my doubts with you my readers and my own challenges, that maybe it makes your challenges feel a little more normal. I have a few friends that suffer from some of the same issues that I have, and have built a sort of virtual family of folks who understand me at a deeper level than I am worth understanding. It feels good to not be alone and to have friend who get at a fundamental level when I have to bail on some activity because I just can’t handle human interaction right now. My hope is by dredging up these demons and putting them out on display that maybe it helps someone out there too.