This is a post that almost wasn’t. This morning I had the strong desire just to say screw it and call this an unofficial vacation day. My morning routine in pandemia has been greatly modified from my normal one. Traditionally I get up, kick the children out of the bedroom, start the Keurig and then go hop in the shower. After the shower I make coffee for both my wife and me, give Kenzie her insulin shot and feed the cats. Then I go into the bedroom and try and roust my wife from the bed and get her into the shower. Over the last several this step has become more challenging and stalling the whole fixing our breakfast and heading up to my office. What used to be a few minutes has started turning into a fifteen minute stall fest. I get that she is exhausted because I too have an exhaustion that is eating away at my core. It sorta reminds me of what it is like when you go without sleep for too long. There is just a weariness that never seems to fully go away and I am guessing it is thanks to six full weeks now of isolation.
In these morning interactions I attempt to be the adult and get us up and moving… but this morning was an extreme struggle. I wanted nothing more than to give in and return to the warm embrace of our bed. Why the hell does the bed feel so good in the morning, but a complete shit show at night when you are struggling to get to sleep? The thing is… I feel horrible for feeling horrible. My life is a freaking charmed existence because while I am taking a 10% cut in pay, my wife and I both have jobs that we can do remotely and stay safe and sheltered within our home. I am risking nothing while there are folks who are struggling to feed themselves, while we have stockpiles of food that we are slowly working our way through. That said I am glad I checked the “best before” date on the pasta I almost stuck in the oven from the bottom of our freezer… because the date was some point in 2010.
I have to admit that I am scared on many levels right now. I am scared that our economy is crashing around us and I am scared about how long it is going to take for this to recover. On some level I am scared wondering if this is going to lead to societal collapse. Then on other levels I am scared even more that we are going to open up everything too soon and start the entire process all over again. I live in a state with a Governor that is hell bent on pushing folks out the door, but I am not interpreting the numbers in quite the same way he is. I see that we are still in full swing of infection and that while the numbers are not increasing, they are not really decreasing either. I am tired of being afraid and I think more than anything that might be the source of the weariness that I can’t quite shake.
Early in the process I made a decision to start tracking the numbers for myself. I felt like I kept seeing completely different numbers being reported by different sources, and the only real way to keep from getting “spun” is to look at the raw data. So each day at 11 am, the state health department releases new data and each day I copy this down into a google sheet, and now I have my own charts that I can reference. The problem with the data still is the fact that we are testing a woefully small number of individuals. However based on what I am seeing I am not seeing an infection in the decline, but one that is still more than happy to keep going like the energizer bunny. The shutting down of everything and the social distancing orders have kept things stable, but my fear is that once we stop these things in what is likely to be the coming weeks… we are going to see a significant spike.
I realize I just did a bait and switch with this post, given that I posted photos of my adorable co-workers but have really not talked about them at all. Right now they are likely the only part of my personal equation that is keeping me sane. Sure it is annoying as hell to have Kenzie screaming at me at the top of her lungs to toss a hairband while I am on a conference call… but it is also super sweet when she wants to crawl up into my arms and snuggle. Kenzie and Josie are very much a team, and here lately I have ended up with both snuggled on my legs together while I am hanging out on the sofa. I just wish Mollie could find a way to get along with the two of them, because we have this circle of abuse going on. Kenzie picks on Mollie and in turn Mollie picks on Josie. There are times I think Mollie just is trying to play with Josie… and then there are other times that she absolutely seems like she is terrorizing her.
I am sorry that this isn’t the most interesting post to be reading today. I am likely not going to syndicate it, because I generally don’t when it is something deeply personal and not at all game related. I figure posts like this are only for my most regular readers, the ones who are going to check in regardless if it sounds like I have something interesting to say. I still think in the grand scheme of things I am doing pretty good, but the edges are most definitely fraying. Week five is when things started to get real for me, and I am worried about my friends who are on week nine now. I partially heeded the warnings coming from my friends in the Seattle area, so at least we have toilet paper. Getting food and stuff has mostly been a number of no-contact pickups from Walmart Neighborhood Market. We are doing fine, but both suffer from an exhaustion that we probably will never shake until we are able to move around freely again.
I love you all, and I hope you are doing okay out there.
FiveThirtyEight often has good analyses and this one from Nate Silver (the head) looks at percent of positives in testing as a more accurate way of assessing new cases given increases in testing. OK appears to be peaking by that count (if not by raw data) https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/coronavirus-cases-are-still-growing-in-many-u-s-states/
I’m feeling a lot of the same things you’re feeling, but it’s too much to type out as a comment. But know that you’re not alone in feeling a lot of what you’re feeling, Bel. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.
It’s good to have cathartic posts. Mental health needs these types of ideas to come out, not so much to share, but certainly so that we can face them.
Be safe.
Hang in there! It won’t be forever, even if it feels like it already has been.
Do you think it would be better or worse if you were home but didn’t have to work? Assuming you were getting paid, that is? Would you feel more or less exhausted?
I ask because Mrs Bhagpuss and I are both home and not working and the last thing I feel is tired. In fact, I have more energy than I normally would. It’s going to work that exhausts me. I would really hate being at home AND having to work.
As it is, staying at home has the opposite effect. I’m waking up earlier, getting up straight away and being busy one way and another all day. Mostly playing games and writing blog posts with some gardening while the weather’s good.
We do go for a walk every day for about 45 minutes to an hour. Advice here is to excercise once a day but stay well clear of people. Since we’re lucky enough to live at the very edge of town, we can be in the country or what passes for it (I guess it’s farmland really) in less than five minutes. I also have been making a supermarket run once a week so with the walking and that I definitely don’t feel trapped. It is weird how other people seem like such a threat now. I wonder how long that will take to fade when we are out of lockdown.
I’m a lot more concerned about when we do have to go back to work, really. I would guess it will be the week after next. The virus isn’t going to go away, not this year and probably ever, although with luck in a year or so we might have a vaccine to stop most of us getting it. At some point we’re all going to have to get used to going out again and being near people (not too near!) even if it isn’t all that safe.
If I was retired, which I won’t be for another four years, I’d stay in my house until there’s a vaccine. Not really an option, though. I decided not to save for early retirement way back in my working life so now I’m stuck with it.
I think were I not working, I think it would be potentially different? Trying to manage sixteen people while also moving forward on about thirty projects with different groups leaves me feeling like I am chained to the desk, email, and instant messenger clients and responding at all hours of the night. Its like everyone knows that everyone else is remote, and as a result they actually expect a faster response if that makes sense? Life feels like it has been turned upside down I guess, and that I am never actually offline? I was doing the walk thing but lately I have been stuck in meetings when my wife goes on her walk and then I never quite get around to going out myself. Last few days it has been raining pretty constantly which I am sure isn’t helping. Were it effectively an extended vacation, I could catch up on Netflix, read a book, dive into a long form game… all the things that people talk about but it feels like my play time is fragmented.
Best of wishes to you and yours, these days are tough but they will pass eventually. Here in Spain we’re on our 6th week of lockdown, and I’ve been on both sides of the fence, working from home and not. I caught the virus and came down with symptoms by the 3rd week, which led to 3 weeks of medical leave and I’ve just gone back to working from home these past couple of days. Once I started feeling better after the first week, it felt like a vacation and was great.
The only advice I can give you is to speak frankly with your coworkers and set working hours that you all respect strictly. Once those hours are past, leave your phone and tech at home and go for a walk, do something that symbolically represents the end of the work day. Commutes, for all their annoyance, have that effect of partitioning the day, and that’s what you should strive for.
It’s not easy to do, and I’m the first that struggles with adhering to the set hours, but if you can’t keep that separation somehow you’ll never feel like off-work and won’t be able to relax at all, you’ll just keep feeling more and more tired each day till something breaks, and no one wants that.