Friends I am in a bit of a rut right now. I find it a bit of a struggle to log in and write a post. Last night I had these grand designs on using the Mythic+ key that I never used during the week but that completely fell out the window when I mostly spent the evening crashed on the couch snuggling with cats. I am trying to resist the desire to fall deeper into the turtle mode I have largely been in for the past year. That is more or less failing as I spent the entire evening last night disconnected from pretty much everything.
There are a lot of feelings that I am having right now, not the least of which are related to the constant impact of Covid on my life. We’ve lost quite a few family members, and since you can’t even really participate in the grieving process on some level it makes it seem less real. Right now I am scared because my Boss and long time Mentor is struggling with Covid, and he keeps pushing himself and I am scared we will ultimately lose him. Then over the weekend my wife’s mother told us she was also Covid positive… but she didn’t want to tell us for fear of stressing us out too much.
In pinball there is a state a machine gets into where it locks down when it detects that someone has physically manipulated the machine. These gyro sensors were put in place to keep folks from cheating at pinball, but the metaphor of this “Tilt” state has always seemed fitting. Right now I am locking up and failing and so many influences right now are just not helping. Cyberpunk itself is a really fucking dark game… but the debates over the morality of me engaging with it that I am having with my friends are making it all worse.
There is part of me that just wants to nuke everything, burn it all to the ground and just walk away. I know that is not a healthy reaction. I’ve just reached this point where I can’t handle any more inputs, and as a result I think I might be taking more days off from blogging in the future. I’ve also realized that I am known more for my frequency of posts than the actual quality of any of them. I’m tired friends. I’m tired of this year and so many other things. I’m going to close this out for now, but just a heads up I might be more scarce in the coming weeks. Maybe some distance will help regenerate my desire to keep doing any of this.
A light in the darkness cannot know just how bright they appear to those looking at them from within that darkness. Know that you are one of those lights. Your insights, your compassion, your willingness and eagerness to connect to other humans and lift them up when they need it – all of these things and so much more make you one of my favorite humans. You deserve the same compassion in your time of need, and know that I am here for you any time of day or night. Your loss also merits grief without guilt, and time to heal. I sense the obligation you feel to continue exactly as things were to keep your following happy, and can relate to it from activities in my past life decades ago. If the exercise becomes a burden rather than a means to find joy, take the reprieve your instincts are telling you is appropriate, trust it, and do whatever it takes to self-care in the most effective manner possible. This includes, even in turtle mode, letting friends and loved ones know you require help if you need it. That is my only request of you. Love you buddy. ~@
Bring in some guest bloggers, I bet most us friends would be willing to add one to your bank so that you can continue to post as much as you feel you should but also are able to take some time off to turtle and recoup.
Time off is key, and no shame at all in ensuring mental health! If you can, find someone to talk to.
Take whatever time you need. We’ll be here when you get back. Well, we hope we will…
I know the feels. 2020 started off with losing both my in-laws 5 days apart and hasn’t let up since. Warcraft which should be a refuge just has the wrong underlying theme for what’s going on. I’ve been without a computer for 4 days now, and I’m not exactly anxious to get right back in.
Take what ever time you need for you.
I am sorry for not commenting more. I do read your blogs whenever I can, and the only excuse I have is like you, I am so tired. I have been tired before, but this is such a bone-deep weariness that this poop-show of a year has left wipes out a lot of joy. Take the time. Take as long as you need. Post once a year. Post never. You’re important, and so is your mental health. Love and support <3
Sending virtual manly bear hugs your way. While your concern about turtling is legitimate, there’s something to be said for unplugging and snuggling the fur babies for an evening or two on the couch.
Stay safe, my friend.