WoW 7.0 Predictions

I didn’t want to do this as an “official” post, so instead I am making a bonus post today which is a truly rare occasion.  With tomorrow being the day we find out what the new World of Warcraft expansion is, I thought I would jot down some ideas.  Some of these are in fact serious ideas… others are absolutely not, and I can’t be bothered to differentiate between the two at this point.

• During this expansion Thrall will have to stay home with the kid, which leaves Aggra to go out on adventures and be the “big damned hero” for a change.
• Yrel comes to Azeroth from Draenor and deposes Varian Wrynn as the leader of the Alliance.
• With a strong woman at the helm of both the Alliance and the Horde they realize how childish and futile it is to continue making up wars over essentially nothing…  and instead decide to join forces and usher in a new era of peace allowing people to do whatever the hell they want with whoever the hell they want to.
• Unfortunately our time bending shenanigans have punched a hole in the fabric of space and time, and we have ended up in the world of The Nexus.
• All of the zones in this expansion as a result will be vaguely square in shape and consist largely of three large fields of play where all the quests will be located.  The dungeon for each map will be conveniently located at the far end of the map.
• Because we broke time we can now have a raid tier consisting of Arthas, Illidan, Diablo, Tassadar, and Sgt. Hammer.
• Bolivar Fordragon has decided that his butt is cold, and has finally climbed off the Frozen Throne and now begins rampaging across Azeroth with his army of Scourge.  The game will become a gritty survival game about fighting for resources in a world plagued by the Zombie Apocalypse.
• We figured out yet another way to bring Onyxia and Nefarian back… and they are doing something in a dark dungeon with lots of lava and orcs or something… we will figure it out as we go with this one.
• We are absolutely going to have an Old God in this expansion, because everyone loves crawling through Titan Dungeons right?  We’ve had Norse and Egyptian mythology based Titans…  now we are just going to remove all of the illusions here and make a H.P. Lovecraft themed mythology…  every world needs for nameless tentacled things right?
• Mentoring will be introduced but you can only do it on patch day while the servers are down.
• We will have roughly half of our abilities removed so that it can fit on an Xbox controller…  which will lead the way to World of Warcraft breaking onto consoles for instant improved relevance.
• Gnome Druids…  kitten form, bear cub form, baby seal form….  and Parrot form.  We will make it work lore wise…  something about digging too deep and hitting the Emerald Dream or something.  Hippie Gnomes.
• Bards…  will not be in the expansion because while it would be awesome…  we really don’t want to have to add a fourth role to the holy trinity.
• World of Warcraft will no longer be a game, but a carefully curated selection of designer snacks…  delivered monthly to subscribers.
• We voyage to the South Seas and discover a kingdom of Murlocs…  player character Murlocs!  Except they can’t use text chat other than Murloc noises.
• The Burning Legion…  seriously it is probably going to be about The Burning Legion.