Hey Folks. I am sorry that I stopped blogging for awhile. I had been struggling with figuring out what I wanted to talk about for the last few weeks, and then my world effectively ended on July 2nd. Around 8pm my wife passed away suddenly an very unexpectedly, and I lost touch with reality. I am not okay, and quite honestly I am not sure if I will ever be okay again. I am however forcing myself to attempt to keep some semblance of a rhythm and put one foot in front of the other over and over until I get through this. Today is the visitation and tomorrow the funeral, and I have done my best to do her justice. There is honestly nothing that I could ever do to truly do that. She was an amazing woman and I am sorry I never shared her with you other than little snippets here or there.
She dedicated her life to education, and teachers live under a microscope, especially in my state and the current political climate. I was always terrified that something I did or something I said would negatively impact her or her career, so I only really talked about her in generalities. Know that she was my whole world. My mission in life was to do whatever I could do to enable the great things she was doing in the world. Nothing I did was terribly important compared to the impact she had on countless lives. I may have groused from time to time, but I always understood the importance each time I was “voluntold” to do something for her and her classroom. I have a lull this morning so I am sitting down to talk to you all… but quite honestly I have no clue where I am going to go with this. I guess I will start by sharing a snippet of the obituary I wrote for her.
She devoted her life to the power of education, particularly in the field of mathematics. A passionate and lifelong learner, she earned her Bachelor’s degree in Mathematics and Education from Northeastern State University in Tahlequah in 1998. Throughout her 26-year teaching career, she inspired thousands of students, primarily at Jenks Public Schools in Jenks, Oklahoma, and more recently at Collinsville High School in Collinsville, Oklahoma.
At the time of her passing, She had just completed the coursework for her Master of Education, majoring in Curriculum and Instruction with a specialization in Math Education. She was set to graduate with honors from Southeastern Oklahoma State University.
Her love extended far beyond the classroom. She was devoted to her family, her friends, her students, and her church. A woman of deep faith, she lived her beliefs with action, compassion, and integrity. She was an active and beloved member of Dalton Hill Baptist Church in Owasso, serving in numerous roles, including most recently as song leader.
Her dedication to math education led her to travel widely, including presenting at an international conference in Portugal. She was a respected member of countless educational communities, both in-person and online. She also had a deep love for books and knowledge; in another life, she might have been just as at home in a library as she was in the classroom.
Its weird because even now… I feel this visceral instinct to protect her anonymity. While pasting that… I could not stop myself from lightly editing out her name. I think part of this is because she quite possibly is the only person on the planet with her name. She had an unusual spelling and that made me hyper vigilant. I just wanted to protect her… and still do… but was completely useless in the end. She was claimed by biology and there was nothing at the time that I could do other than sit and watch and hope that they could save her. I miss her so much. Everything in the world feels wrong right now. I am not sure if anything will ever feel right again.
I am not sure what the future of this blog is. It all feels so hollow and useless. I am terrified for today, because it will be the first time I see her since the emergency room. I am also terrified at all the social interactions that are going to be needed to get through the day. I’ve been thankful that family on both sides has done a lot of texting, and limited dropping in… because on some level I just need time by myself to process this. Everyone in my larger social network has been great, and I appreciate all of you. I’ve been talking some in semi-public messages over on my Gamepad account, usually content warning them with “Sad Bel Days”. I don’t want to trauma dump, but it also gives folks a way to check in on my mental state without pestering me. I will say I am at the very least still making the bed every morning, which was a little thing that was super important to my wife.
I am terrified for the ordeals to come. 90% of everything in her classroom is something that we had bought, so it will fall upon me at some point in the very near future to go up there and pack everything up. More than that there will be month after month of various legal processes that have to take place as I update everything from medical insurance to car titles. Functionally I know I will be fine, but I am also terrified financially because I don’t know what the future looks like. I knew what reality looked like with two incomes, but I have zero clue what things are going to be like with one. I feel fucking guilty that I am even thinking in those terms. My brain keeps latching onto random threads because the more analysis that I do… the less processing power I am giving to my emotions to completely crush me. I’ve felt the pain of losing someone before, but this is so fundamentally different that it might not even be thought of as the same thing. It legitimately feels like half of my being was ripped away from me… and I have no clue who I am anymore in any capacity.
GenX • Husband • Petfriend • WASD Stan • Daily Blogger • Weekly Podcaster • Eternally Confused
My social tagline was ordered on purpose. Husband comes first in the list of non-age-based descriptors because that is where I placed that role. Whatever she needed of me I was there without question. I took care of things. I dealt with the financials, restocked the house with groceries, did the laundry… etc etc… all so she could focus on the important work of making the world a better place through education. Now that she is gone… I just don’t know who I am anymore. Like there are people in this community that think I have shit figured out, but my entire life revolved around my wife. Anything I did on the side felt thoroughly unimportant and meaningless next to the great things she was doing constantly. Maybe it is because I grew up with a mom who was also an educator, but I treated that role as sacred.
Anyways I am mostly posting because I am not sure what my posting schedule is going to look like. I figure there are people out there who may not follow me on social media and may not know that my world ended. I am still out here. I have so much support. I just don’t know who I am anymore, and it will take me a bit to figure that out again.
My heart goes out to you, Bel. I’m really sorry for your loss. Others have put it so much better than I ever could but I hope that you take care of yourself and if you ever need a distraction or anything, feel free to reach out, anytime. There’s no such thing as trauma dumping either. Here if you need me.
There’s hundreds of way of expressing grief. There is no wrong way of doing it. Writing about it to immortalize the legacy in a way, protecting her by leaving out her name, sharing what a wonderful person your wife was. It went through to me. I didn’t know much about your wife before this but she absolutely sounds like an amazing person that didn’t just mean the world to you but positively changed your life.
Again, I’m really sorry for your less. Take care of yourself. Happy to listen and talk to – any day, any time.
My deepest condolences!
What devastating news. I’m so sorry. Your wife sounds incredible. Grief is a powerful thing. Celebrate your wife with those you know and love, keep her with you always. That’s how you will find the way forward.
What a wonderful person, her legacy and presence will live on through all the lives she influenced in her profession.
Your post is so very raw and emotional- I don’t have any good words to add.
Love defines us, but it often leads to such deep loss. My heart goes out to you, Belghast. I hope light comes to you in time and you find new ways to carry forward the meaning you shared with your wife.
I am so sorry Bel. I’ll simply echo what Stargrace said because I cannot put it any better. I will add, keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can tell you from similar experience that that is what will get you through the darkest days.
Take all the time you need boss, there’s no rush to get back into any of this stuff. Just focus on you, and what you need to do to make it through day-to-day. I can’t imagine the grief and emotions you’re going through right now, but if there’s any way I can help, just reach out.
She sounds like an absolutely stellular woman – one who made a great impact on those around her and lived to the fullest. Thank you for sharing her and your memories with us both here and on Gamepad, especially in a time of great vulnerability.
I know I’m just a voice on the Internet, but I send you my wishes for your strength to get through – day by day if it must be. Grief comes in many forms and is displayed in many ways. You must listen to what your heart tells you, and express yourself fully however that is at this point. The more you withhold and place expectations on yourself, the harder it will be going forward. So let yourself feel as you need, and don’t be ashamed – especially with a connection as deeply as you express here.
In time – way on down the line, when you’re better able to reassess things – it might be a lifeline to consider what she would have wanted you to do for yourself and your life. You lived your life for her before, so question how to continue living in her honor going forward. Again, only when you’re ready to tackle those thoughts and questions.
Not right now, though. Now is the time to care for yourself.
OMG Bel… So sorry…
I only follow you here so this was completely new to me. Thank you for sharing here, too.
Please don’t worry about looking out for yourself and your own future. Given the relationship you describe, I’m sure that would be exactly what your wife would want you to be doing. I’m not going to give any homilies about time but I will just say that the exact same thing happened to someone I know about a year ago and he’s still around and living a life that has some other context. Impossible to believe at the moment, of course.
The very best wishes for what comes next, whatever you choose for that to be. If you eventually feel like returning to the blog, we’ll all be here, when ever it is.
The offer continuously stays open, if you want to run some delves, or just brainlessly do some gaming, I’m around. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with all of this – but I’m also eternally thankful that you’re processing in a way that I would expect from you, writing it out. Thank you for sharing the bits of her that you felt comfortable & safe mentioning. I know you’ve got an incredible amount of support surrounding you and I am just one voice in a sea of many, but as everyone else says, it’s OK to not be OK. Be unapologetically you, whatever that looks like day by day.