One of the curses of being GenX is that I often visualize my life through movie scenes. There is a scene in Heathers where the Dad is telling the entire funeral that he loves his dead gay son. For whatever reason this is the scene I think of when I think about being overwhelmed by grief. I am scared to death I am going to allow my own grief to become my personality. I’ve seen it happen too often, where memorialization of a dead loved one… becomes the driving purpose. I see that my blog has largely become me working through my feelings about what has happened… and am scared that I am starting to do the same thing. I also see the fact that I had a weekend where nothing much happened, because I lacked any drive to do things. Nothing really brings me any semblance of joy, so I kind of feel like I am just checking off boxes and doing the things that have to be done… until I can go back to sleep again where I blissfully am free of both grief and the need to think about anything.
All of this said… I also feel overwhelmingly guilty that I am even attempting to move on with my life. Today is going to be my first day back at work, and on some level I am looking forward to having something to distract me from the pain. However I wonder if I deserve to be distracted. This is not even two weeks old at this point… and I am just not sure how to exist in the world. I feel like my attempts to keep moving forward, are somehow an affront to the importance of the pain that I am experiencing. Everyone needs me to be this person who is feeling everything in the same way as they are… and I am not even sure entirely what I am feeling. I think on some level there are parts of me that have gone numb as a defense mechanism because the pain was just too much. The cats need me to keep functioning enough to keep feeding them and loving on them… and my body needs me to keep functioning enough to keep feeding it… and now my workplace needs me to function enough to be able to resume my job. The only way I know how to do all of these things… is to disconnect my brain from my heart… and just sort of do what needs to be done.
The thing that is killing me right now… is that I am having hallucinations. That is honestly too strong of a word for it, because it isn’t like I am seeing things in the world, but more that I am experiencing brief after images. Like for example I keep thinking she is in bed with me. I will turn over and swear she is beside me… only to realize that I am not hitting anything but empty space. Last night I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to go down and check on her… which is a thing that I would often do after a few hours in my office. In fact that is the entire reason why I went downstairs on the night she died, was just that I had been by myself for awhile and figured I should check to see if she was okay. There are these burnt in pathways in my brain, and I swear I keep feeling like I am seeing the hazy afterimage of her still there… only to realize that it is just my expectations working against me. The only thing I can relate it to is the discussion of phantom limb syndrome, but in this case I am walking into a room certain that someone else will be there… but they are not. I know this is just the built up impulses after twenty six years in the same house… but this honestly is the thing I am struggling with the most.
Right now I am distracting myself with Path of Exile, Movies, and YouTube Videos. It isn’t so much that I am enjoying playing Path of Exile, but more that it is a familiar pattern that does not require too much of me. It is a thing I can do… that does not require me to spend too much time thinking about the situation I am going through. The thing is… I am getting zero joy out of it, but I am also getting no joy out of pretty much anything I do. I put in a request to our “Employee Assistance Program”, which I still feel like is a weird name for mental health assistance… and I am hooping that I hear something back. I am not sure how this process works, but I am hoping at a minimum that they can refer me to someone… preferably online so that I don’t have to deal with going into an office. Everyone wants to help me… but I am not sure what I need, or even how to explain what I am going through. I feel so fundamentally broken right now, and I am not sure what is even broken to begin trying to resolve this. I know this is just part and parcel of grief and loss… but I don’t want it to override what is left of my personality. Then again… I am still not even sure who the hell I am without my wife.
I’ve also been back in Guild Wars 2 some, largely because it is a good task based structure that I can focus on. It asks me to do certain things every day, and doing those… pushes me closer to some goal. I should in theory be cleaning out closets and preparing things to donate… but that is all too fucking heavy right now. I should really actually be working on thank you cards… but I am not even sure where the fuck to begin with that. I need to talk to the person who is working on setting up the scholarship fund and figure out what they need from me for that as well. There are a ton of donations coming in through the Church and they want somewhere to put that money. I recorded and edited AggroChat this weekend and also edited the church sermon… so that was some semblance of normal. I had to figure out how to get onto my wife’s facebook account so that I could grant myself access to the church facebook… because there were a bunch of things that she took care of after I had posted everything. However I think I more or less have a gameplan going forward, and next weekend I should be able to generate the powerpoint that she used to do for the church digital display that we bought.
Then there is the duality of people reaching out. On one hand I appreciate it greatly, because it is keeping me from falling too far into isolation. However on the other hand I am a massive introvert bordering on a hermit… and I just want people to stop intruding on my life. It feels like I am sitting in the living room floor, trying to rebuild a castle out of blocks… and then when someone forces their way into said living room… it all gets knocked asunder and I have to accommodate another human being inside my head for a bit. I can’t just be “chill” about other people in my space. That is not the default state of my existence. My wife and I pretty much spent countless hours with it being only the two of us in the house, and anything other than that just feels fucking weird. On some level I feel like I need time to acclimatize to it only being me… and I can’t really do that if people keep interjecting themselves. Like someone from the church brought food by yesterday… and it was very sweet of them… but it forced me to suddenly have to deal with not only a stranger existing in my world… but now trying to file away food for future use that I was not prepared for.
Like on one hand I just want to lock everyone out of my life until I am “better”, but I also have no clue when that will be… or if I will ever reach that point. Human beings doing human being things… stress me the fuck out. For most people… humans are comforting… for me… they are just chaotic variables in the equation of my life that I don’t quite know how to account for. All of this continues tweaking my fear that my personality is becoming one of grief and loss… and I will never be myself again. I am not saying don’t reach out and check on me… just do it in a way where my participation is optional. I love the people who text me, because that is something that I can answer at my leisure when I am up to it. I detest the people who call me… because it requires me to spackle over the gaping holes and force myself to be mentally well enough to have a conversation. The cardinal sin however is when folks show up at my doorstep unannounced because so much of me wants to hiss at them like a startled cat and run away into the darkness never to be seen again.
I am dreading going into the office tomorrow. I have a new employee starting and I need to be functional. I am not functional. I especially hate the thought of being forced into conversations by people who I have not been face to face with for roughly five years. I expect to bail early on the day, or at least as early as I can. I have no fucking clue how to do any of this. I just want the world to pause until I am well enough to exist in it.
I was in a long term relationship with someone who attempted to commit suicide, and I felt very much to blame for that (I was in the process of ending the relationship). I was incredibly guilty and sad and I would just lose moments. Like I’d be walking down the street and suddenly I’d be 2-3 blocks from where I had just been with no recollection of traversing the distance.
Brains are weird and they do weird things under stress and you’ll probably never be under as much stress as you are right now.
And not to compare the two, but when we lost Lola we were seeing and hearing her everywhere. She’s been a part of our life for 15 years and was just a part of the pattern of our lives. Again, not trying to compare the loss of a pet to your loss, but I think that feeling of ‘feeling’ her there is entirely normal, honestly.
Let your children (the cats) help you through this. Take care of them and love them (I know you do) and accept their love and attention. Grieve with them. I am sure that they are missing her as well.
I remember feeling so guilty when I first played FFXIV again, soon after my dad’s death. I was like… How can I be doing this trivial thing when something like this just happened? Thankfully, I had friends who encouraged me to do something “normal” to get myself out of my grief, if only for a little bit. They were right in the long run.
Like you, I was there to see my father’s body as I was the one who found him (and I understand that shock and trauma from that alone). I was the only one in my family who did, as I sheltered my mom from the vision and my sister arrived too late to see. His wishes were to be cremated, so I remain the only one who saw what he looked like in death. I still have the dreams about him, even now, some of them stronger than others. Some are good dreams of him being alive and happy, but in the beginning, some I woke in tears to.
My mom also described the “hallucinations” you talk about. She’d say that sometimes she thought he was still there in the house. Or that she’d walk out and expect to see him in his normal sitting places. It really messed with her for a while, and took time for her to sort through it. I say these things so that hopefully you can know that you’re not alone in these experiences and in how people process loss and grief. It’s a weird roller coaster ride, for certain.
I also was advised to seek out my EAP at work, which I did. They offered some ideas and tactics to deal with the situation, but mostly just an unbiased ear to listen. I’d give it a shot and see if it provides some insights. Mine was only about 4 free sessions, and afterwards, I wasn’t locked into having to continue to see a counselor unless I felt I needed it – which I didn’t.
most EAPs are 4 sessions per “issue” which is how they will tell you that you can game the system to allow them to help more. If you are very specific about the specific situation (not the entirety of say losing a spouse, but maybe “dealing with the immediate sense of emptiness” and then after that “dealing with the issues of getting your life back in some order” etc.) you can often continue to getting help for a good amount of time.
What everyone else said. There’s no rulebook for what you’re going through, even though I can tell you as a bookseller there are plenty of people who think there should be and that that they’re the ones to write it. Whatever you need to feel and do is right for you. You may not know what that is yet either but that’s also okay. It’s really, really soon. Things will change because all things change but they don’t do it on a schedule. And it’s your grief. You can’t do it wrong.
One foot in front of the other, man, one day at a time. We’re all rooting for you, and you’re going to make it through. Lean on anyone you need to in order to get through, there is zero shame in doing so.
I am glad that you’re reaching out to get some professional help through your work’s EAP. I think the fact that you’re writing your way through all of this stuff is a positive sign, even if you feel guilty that your blog is becoming overly focused on your grief. Putting names to feelings and words to experiences helps give us a semblance of control over them, and while you’re very aware that you only have the semblance of control right now, there’s a fake-it-til-you-make-it element to that control. There’s nothing to feel guilty for.
Regarding the concern of grief-as-a-personality, I think you should be less harsh and demanding of yourself. There’s shades of grey to this stuff, and grief isn’t a standardized or linear experience. The biggest part of your identity and your personality was being a devoted husband. Of course you’re not going to bounce back from unexpectedly losing your wife in a couple of weeks, and failing to do so isn’t unreasonable nor does it define your personality. Maybe if you still feel as helplessly grief-stricken a year from now, you might say that you’ve allowed your grief to define you or that you have a “problem”, but two weeks certainly isn’t the bar for judging this. Be kind to yourself.
so many hugs
There is no one correct way to grieve, no perfect timeframe for it. You’ve really just got to listen to your body, do your best to find comfort and live where you can and hope that somewhere along the way, you find yourself getting back to your self. And if not, there’s always help out there and there’s no shame in seeking it. There is no “not grieving enough” or “my situation wasn’t that bad I don’t need it”, if you need it you need it. <3
I am glad you’re trying and finding ways to keep going. I’m proud of you and love you.
When my youngest daughter died, I stayed in bed for days. My mom came to help out with my eldest daughter, but I couldn’t imagine things ever going back the way they were. After the divorce (in retrospect, related to the first thing), and then my ex subsequently dying, was worse. My son had a near-successful suicide attempt a few years back and that had me curled on the couch for days. Nothing is ever the same, and the pain recedes but never goes away, but life goes on. I don’t have any answers. I’ve been where you are.
You’ll make it through. I don’t know your wife, but I bet she’d want you to find a path to happiness and to continue to remember the good times and love you had together.