This morning I am struggling a bit to get started with my normal blogging process. Right now I am going through what I generally term as a “low spot” in my mental health. I have been feeling depressed and generally disconnected from the world lately. It is like I am staring out a window and watching the world go by in fast motion. Additionally I seem to be focused on only the bad things. Like I could have a dozen normal conversations, but my brain is heat seeking in on the moments that don’t go perfectly. Analyzing them, breaking them apart, wallowing in my imagined failure. What frustrates me the most is that I have a pretty awesome life, but when my brain is on a down cycle it certainly doesn’t seem like it, and my internal critic has been working overtime.
The thing is, it wouldn’t be quite so bad if my brain would just stop with statements like pointing out that I have gained weight, or that I am failing to live up to this or that goal. It always has to be the bully and take things one step too far. My brain is telling me constantly that I am an imposter and that no one actually likes me, and that at best everyone simply tolerates my actions. My brain is kicking things up another notch over the last few days, and incessant about telling me that the world would simply be a better place if I no longer existed. The thing is… I know deep down inside my core that my brain is a liar, but man… is it relentless. I am not expecting anything from this, but I figured I would open up a bit more into my own personal struggles. No one likes hanging around with someone that bums them out, but maybe me talking about it helps someone else who is struggling with the same demons. I know my brain is wrong, and that this will pass in time… but right now, it is pretty hellacious to live with 24/7.
Last night was yet another running of the second static in our Final Fantasy Free Company. We are still struggling a bit to gather up the eight people needed to raid, but hopefully as people continue leveling and gearing that will change a bit. Ultimately I would love it were I able to be an optional in this group, since I have my group that meets seriously on Monday already, and our secondary night on Saturday before the podcast. That said at raid time we managed to gather up seven people and attempted to pug an eighth. That didn’t go terribly well, because while we were talking about the fights he ran off and pulled some golems. I mean on one level I get it, because we had not said much in the game chat, and were sorting things out on voice chat… but taking it upon yourself to pull is rarely the right answer. After a few wipes he refused to resurrect and we kicked him, abandoning duty and bringing in Ashgar. From that point on the night seemed to improve.
Things were far more tense than they should have been, and there was a bit of an outburst on Teamspeak but other than that things fell in place fairly well. I would be bummed that this team managed to get turn six in a single night of tries, whereas it took our team two nights… but this group is leaning heavily on past experience. When we tried to do each turn we tried really hard to go in as a blank slate and figure things out as they happened. It was cool though to get another raid boss killed with this group and we moved on to Turn Seven. There are a lot of moving parts in that fight, and largely the group still needs to figure out how best to control the Renaud freezing action. It is a really fun fight and even more than turn six, it came back to me quickly as we started going through the motions. I am starting to wonder though if I should be running Paladin on these fights since Damai is a Warrior main. Not sure what additional benefit having a Paladin would give the group since it has a slightly different skillset. Would at least give me practical experience doing stuff as my “other” tank class.
The other game that I played a significant amount of yesterday was State of Decay Year One Survivor Edition. I am back to playing Marcus after going on some crazy misadventures as Maya. When I last played I got the radio announcement that a military presence had been spotted on the outskirts of town. Having done this song and dance before I knew that it was best to take Maya over there to check it out. Additionally at that point Marcus was doing the whole “not sure how long I can go on” thing, meaning he was exhausted and needed to be rested. Around this same time I got reports that two hordes of zombies were getting close to town. I’ve found the best way to take out a horde is vehicular zombiecide. So I laughably grabbed the Pizza Delivery car and took the the roads running them down. This ends up stirring up quite a few additional zombies in the process, but far less in my experience than trying to put down a horde with gun fire.
After quelling the two hordes I moved on to the Military encampment and it went just as well as it had in the past. The military wants everyone to stay inside and shelter in place… which is fine and good until the zombies try breaking down your door. The military house was next to one of the survivor houses I was working on gaining trust with. Unfortunately the person that normally gives me quests to complete to gain their trust was not available, so not sure exactly where they wandered off to. About this time I got a frantic radio message from Lucy telling me that her brother was trapped and needed my help. He had managed to get himself pinned down in a barn, and I had to ride in and save the day. This actually was tougher than I thought it would be and ended up having to clear about nine zombies to get to him and save him. By this time Maya was going through her whole “too exhausted to continue” routine, but I managed to finish things off and get back home with Jacob. So there we are, back home and ready for another jaunt out with Marcus. Hopefully I will get in and play some more tonight.