Real Life

New Year, Hopefully New Me

by

Hey Folks. I am doing a bit of a weird post because generally I take off holidays, and generally I blog in the morning. Neither of those are happening in this case. I went up to see my Dad this morning because it was his birthday and he had afternoon plans, so I am back at home and sitting down to write. Often times my blog doubles as my diary… just one that I happen to publish so the world can see it. There are days when I widely syndicate my posts, and other days where they are more private and only meant for the “real ones” as it were. This is one of those days.

It is not so much that I had a bad Christmas, but more a situation that I have been numb for most of this year. I’ve been going through the motions and doing the right things, things which should bring me joy… but they have not been. I get that a lot of this is the normal pathways of grieving. I took a major blow… and while not a physical blow… it still takes time for the emotions and mental state to heal. I am not sure if I will ever be fully healed if I am being brutally honest. I lost a critical part of who I was, that had been built up over thirty years. In many ways it feels like I have been restored to an earlier backup of who I was. Like once you took away the material that I had accumulated in my life, and the default reactions that were baked in for being part of something larger than myself… I am left with a me that sort of feels like the me that existed in college before my life 1.0 started.

It is a really weird reset. I am digging back into things that used to give me joy when I was in college. I am figuring out new things that I want to try now that I have effectively unlimited time and zero constraints upon me to accommodate another human being. I’ve gotten into the path of 3D printing, and I have a bunch of model paints on order which will let me start painting my Warhammer army. I completely reworked the garage and installed shelving in basically every place that I could install shelving. I replaced the downstairs entertainment setup, and at some point will attempt to use the PC that I have hooked up down there. I think I might need to resolve some residual wifi issues first, but I have a router and at some point that will be a project to try and do that and apply some repeaters so that the connection downstairs is faster.

I’ve also been able to lean on so many friends. There are my adopted siblings of Ace and Cyl that have meant so much to me during this time. There is an old friend that I have reconciled with and even have plans to meet for dinner on Saturday. There is my Librarian friend who keeps me engaged in things and the new group of people that i have met in the pen and paper game that we all play together on a semi-monthly basis. Then there is a new friend that I have been talking constantly that has been fun and interesting to get to know someone completely out of my depth. All of these have helped to rekindle a bit of a spark in me, and I am feeling joyful about things again.

A lot of this year has also been trying to make sure my health is doing okay. I had a few scares and have a few upcoming medical procedures. I am hoping I get a clean bill of health, but kind of my ongoing new years resolution is to eat better and force myself to get some more exercise. I am bigger than I have ever been at this point, and it is not comfortable. For me and for my general future I need to change that. I also really desperately want to travel and meet some of the friends that I have known for years around the country. In order to do that… I am going to have to make it to a point where flight is no longer as painful as it currently is. I will always have trouble ramming my lets under the seats, but once you combine that with being generally larger than I should be… it is just a recipe for disaster. Sure I can drive to a lot of my friends, but there will be some that have to be arrived at by plane or it just isn’t feasible.

I turn 50 in June, and it feels like that is a bit of a deadline. There are a lot of things that I have said to myself “I will do that in time”. The time is now. I need to stop waiting and stalling and just do things. It isn’t so much that I am running out of time… but I feel like I am running out of time. I need to make significant changes in my life because I am not happy with the null void that I have been feeling, and want to do things to fix that.I am feeling really good today, and have been feeling really good about the last several days, and I am going to start enacting more changes that keep me moving in the right direction.

Happy New Years All. Please let 2026 be a better one.

Numb Christmas

by

Good Morning Folks. Happy Day After Christmas or as my friend Ace refers to it… Super Xmas, aka the day that you get to chill out after the hustle and bustle of the holiday. I am working today because I did not take my two weeks off like I normally do. That was a thing I mostly did to spend time with my spouse, but now that she has passed… there just didn’t really seem like much of a reason to do it. That and a lot of the folks who report to me have younger kids and I wanted to make sure they could take time off. Other than a barrage of texts and calls I mostly spent the day with my folks. I snapped a photo of my high school car that is sitting there dying a slow death to rust. I kind of wish they had sold it or given it away rather than just letting it sit here and rot. The holiday was weird, and I did not break down like I thought I might. I think more than anything I just feel hollow and numb right now. In general that is my default mode of operation, because life just doesn’t feel like it really has much meaning without my wife. I am trying to find meaning in hobbies… but I will be honest it is hard to find much zest in anything I do. I am largely going through the motions.

One of the dumb things that I gifted my mom was this Gingerbread Star Destroyer that I printed out. Star Wars was always a massive thing in my life, and I will be honest… it was more something pushed by my folks after a point than by me. I think my mom honestly got into the whole search for figures as much as I did, and has always been a big fan of the movies. This print was too cute not to make one, and I even ordered some tan filament just to print it out. I was there most of the day yesterday and while I intended to arrive around 10ish… I made far better time than expected and got there around 9:30. The dynamic that feels the weirdest is when it comes to my inlaws. Like I called my father-in-law that evening and the way he talked it was like he was expecting me to come down for the day or something. I know that they need me around because it is a connection that they have to my wife… but also I have my own family. I do need to take a weekend and go down and spend it with them, but that whole relationship was always awkward. Her mom on the other hand, was super happy to get a call from me and is always chill about our interactions.

I guess while we are talking about 3d printed stuff, this is my next project. Essentially I have bunch of Lego Mini-Figures and I never really had a great way of displaying them. For awhile I was hooked on the blind bags and this is a really cool grand stand that I am printing out a part at a time that will in theory hold them. I am not sure if I will need more than one of these but for the time being this should be a good start. It is apparently scaled to fit a kallax shelving unit. I have this plan in the livingroom to erect a few lighted storage cabinets and in theory the minifigs will go in there. I need to get rid of a few things before I do this however. More pressing project is to clear off the table that I plan on setting up the paint shelves and get those moved into the house. I also need to order the paint sets, but have been putting that off because it will be a big chunk of cash outlay. I am getting to the point though where be it miniatures or things that I am painting that I have printed out… I need some way of painting things soonish.

Over in Path of Exile II, I have been poking around with a few different alt builds. The first being patterened off of the build that is the most meta thing right now, which is poison burst arrows pathfinder. This is essentially the thing that Fubgun is using to farm content, and while powerful…. it isn’t really my jam. I am not sure what it is about it but the playstyle just doesn’t feel good. I’ve never really been that big of a fan of poison builds, and this one essentially uses a one two playstyle of laying down toxic growth pods and then using poison burst arrows to trigger them. Mechanically it just feels a bit more fiddly than I want it to feel. Lightning Arrow as an abiltiy feels way better, but sadly it ate a bunch of nerfs. My favorite bow attacks are the ones that abuse the various ice explosion mechanics, but I think they are also nerfed. Mostly I made it to Act III, and could continue to push forward… but was just not feeling it.

Instead I rolled a new character last night and plan on going explosive grenade witchhunter for it. I am not sure what it is about the playstyle but this just feels better. I guess I like things exploding more than them withering and dying to poison damage. I’ve said it before, but given my druthers if I had to choose an element, I am almost always going to choose fire damage. I like watching things explode, and once you reduce the delay on explosive grenades it feels really good. I have no clue how much I will play it, because in truth I am still having fun with the druid. I just need a break from it occasionally. I should probably be popping back into Path of Exile 1 though and chipping away at challenges, either that or diving back into Guild Wars 1 or Warframe and progressing those. Path of Exile games in general though are just really good for audiobook time, and that is mostly what I did last night.

As far as my Druid goes, I have taken down Kulemak and Xesht and am working on farming up the splinters for King in the Mists and Olroth so I can progress those league mechanics. I am mostly just farming a bunch of t15s and trying to earn some currency. The next big upgrade I want to do to the build is to get a Defiance of Destiny, which will require me to swap around some of my resistances. I should be able to do this by just swapping my belt, but the extra survival of Defiance should make things more comfortable. Mostly I do plenty of damage right now, and any points that I spend will be going into survival. There are some points that increase my regen, so I am probably going to go down that path because again recovery makes things more comfortable.

The other big thing that I need to do game wise over the next few days is grind out a bunch of the sparrow racing event. Essentially I am down to just the brute force things, where I need to throw a stupid amount of snowballs, and complete some more races. I want the dumb snowmobile speeder skin. I know there is another phase of the event that is going to be happening around New Years, so we will see what that requires as well. The Dawning has been pretty great though, and all of the snowball fights and such are pretty fun. They revealed the next banner and it is effectively a mythic redo of Kabr, and I have to admit I am not terribly interested in him. They changed up his weapons from Pulse Rifle and Heavy Machinegun, to Scout Rifle and Linear Fusion Rifle… and I already have characters that fill that role that I like. Helhest is my precision character of choice, and when it comes to Scout Rifles I am likely going to play Umeko. So I might take a hard pass on this banner and just bank up pulls for whatever comes next.

Anyways! I hope you have a great rest of Christmas week and I will see you next week as we slide into the end of the year.

Gracie Glowers

by

Good Morning Folks. I had to go into the office yesterday so I skipped blogging, and then after all of the interacting with people that happened… I crashed early around 8pm. This is a photo of Gracie to make up for not having blogged yesterday. She does this thing where she sits on my router and screams at me… while staring awkwardly at me. She often does this when I have decided I cannot handle her crawling all over me and wallowing on me and need to push her off to get something done. I think this is her way of sulking. It generally cracks me up quite a bit when it happens, because clearly she is mad at me and wants me to know it… by going just far enough away from me that I will be certain to see her and the staring daggers. I am not a good daddy clearly.

I’ve finished the Path of Exile 2 campaign on my bear and am now in maps, and I have to say… this is the point where POE2 ceases to be quite as enjoyable. The campaign is a heck of a lot of fun, and mapping is not. Mapping just feels tedious, because all of the rewards for a given map are contained within a handful of rare spawns… and missing one of them, feels like you are missing most of the loot. So I always arrive at this point where I am roaming around the map looking for the last rare so I can go and beat the damned boss and move on with my life. It is one of those situations where a bunch of subtle decisions have gone into this game, and make it so that mapping is just not really any fun. Its the limited portals, the general lack of loot, the lack of a decade worth of leagues, and the fact that when I do die in POE2… it happens immediately and what feels like completely randomly. It feels like the only way you can make a character feel tanky… is by investing everything in energy shield, because all other defensive layers feel like shit.

Then there is also the problem that the league mechanic feels like crap. There are a bunch of think piece videos floating around about what is wrong with the league mechanic, but ultimately I think it boils down to something very simple. I spent a bunch of this past Keepers league in POE1 deep diving into the existing Incursion mechanic, and my core problem with it has always been that it takes you out of the flow of the rest of the game. What I wanted for Incursion 2.0 was for it to be less fiddly and faster to complete than the original. Vaal temples are not that, and they are way more fiddly and require way more care and feeding. We all sort of thought we could run 60 maps and then do all of those saved up mechanics in a single temple session, but it doesn’t really work that way. Everything is six token chunks and it always feels like I never have the right connectors to make things work in the way that I want them to work. I think ultimately this mechanic needs to be simplified so that there is a single pathway tile, a single power up tile, and having some measure of control over how much of the temple resets on an architect or atziri kill. Then there is the problem with the fact that the rewards were cool while leveling… but quickly feel like crap when compared to the needs of mapping. Hopefully they can fix it, but I figure it won’t be until well into the new year at this point.

In other news the Destiny Rising christmas event is a heck of a lot of fun. You essentially have a version of the crucible but you are throwing snowballs instead of using weapons, and effectively it feels like lobbing grenades at everyone. There is also a crafting mechanic where you build snowmen from the resourcces that you gain every day from doing snowball fight matches. At some point there is going to be a sparrow racing component that unlocks, but right now… this makes up for how shitty the halloween event was. I’m having a lot of fun just yoloing my way through snowball fights, and I would love for something silly like this to return more often in place of the existing pvp modes.

I am also playing some Diablo IV and having a lot of fun on the Paladin class. I am going all in on thorns damage, and I am not sure how long this archetype will hold up, but for the moment it feels great. I am nearing level 60 and will start working on paragon levels shortly. I’ve done one of the capstone dungeons and it felt like it was twice as long as it should be and sort of overstayed its welcome. I need to actually figure out my build, because at the moment I am not really focused on much of anything but leveling. The replacement for powers seems fine, mostly because one of them drops experience orbs which is helping me level faster. I love paladin and crusders in the Diablo franchise and the game immediately got better for me with the addition of this class.

Lastly I thought I would share a photo of the final state of my paint racks. I have been printing these for what feels like ages at this point and essentially this will provide storage for 80 pots of Pro Acryl paint. Each of them has a removable drawer for general hobby storage and are going to line the back of a table in one of the upstairs offices that I will be turning into a hobby room. Now I am going to focus on printing out some other general stuff, like I made a brush rack over night and will probably start working on printing out a wet palette today. At some point I am going to have to actually order the damned paints though, but am effectively doing the prep work for setting everything up. I am hoping to get a lot of the work done on the actual office over the christmas holiday days off. I am really happy with how good the cabinets look, and am going to effectively velcro them together I think so they don’t slide around.

I hope you are having a wonderful week. At some point I have to figure out this whole Christmas thing… because I have done next to nothing for the impending holiday. This year without my spouse it just does not really feel like it matters all that much.

Thermal Failure

by

Good Morning Folks. My wreath was perfect… until it wasn’t. Around 3:30 yesterday afternoon I had to run into the office for a moment, and when I left the house the wreath looked beautiful. When I got back around 5:30 it looked like the image on the right side. Essentially there is a short period of time where the light streams through our glass storm door at exactly the right angle that it heats up the metal of our door handle. This is not something I had really thought about before now, but apparently it also heats up the door frame area enough for the PLA that I printed the wreath out of to warp beyond all recognition. At first I thought it was a mechanical failure in one of the joints that could be fixed, but upon further inspection it is like the thing just sort of stretched and warped uncontrollably. For now I have a deeply surrealist wreath, and I am kind of curious what it does over multiple days… but for future knowledge I guess I probably need to print the frame out of ABS which is way more heat resistant. It was a massive bummer, but at least it looked cool long enough to take a photo of it.

I had an extremely busy day, and when I finally got home legitimately I crashed pretty hard after eating the takeout that I picked up on my way home. I attempted to grind a bit in Path of Exile but by 8:30pm I was falling asleep in my chair, and decided to head to bed. I tossed and turned quite a bit, and had a rather fitful night where I was either too hot or too cold and could not really seem to regulate my temperatures. I did make it a bit further into my quest for level 100 and am roughly 1 pip away from dinging. In theory if I stay awake long enough tonight… I should be able to push through to level 100, or at least get considerably closer. I am still fighting whatever unnamed death flu nonsense that I picked up. My boss is a few days behind me and is also struggling, even though to the best of my knowledge we did not infect each other. The cough has been the worst part and I just go into these coughing fits where I struggle to recover gracefully. Today is supposed to be the holiday party in the office, but I dropped off the cookies I was bringing last night so that I did not have to be around people, and am otherwise skipping out today because I don’t feel comfortable hacking and coughing nonstop around others.

Tam introduced us to Where Winds Meet last weekend on the podcast and a few of us have tried it out. So far… I am not really vibing with it. He indicated that they had resolved the beard problems that I have with most eastern fantasy games… and I am not entirely certain about that. This was the best beard I could get, which is reasonable, but nowhere near as majestic as I would have liked. Mostly it feels very much like a Ghosts game, and I am not sure when the MMORPG elements come online. For the moment it feels like I am playing an entirely single player adventure game with mildly souls-like roots, and that is find and good…. but I am not entirely certain if I care enough about it to keep playing. If anything I think my time would be better served playing Guild Wars, Guild Wars 2, or catching up in Final Fantasy XIV. I at a minimum wanted to fire it up and check it out, and it is a gorgeous game… just not sure if it is one that is going to flip the appropriate centers in my brain.

So the other night I got distracted when I was going out into the backyard and feeding tripod, and apparently never actually locked that door. So I slept the entire night with it unlocked, where anyone could have walked into my bedroom. That creeped me out to the point where I had to scrub through my backyard camera just to make sure no one did anything untoward. At which point I found out that I have a bunch of Raccoons who have apparently been climbing the pole up to the second floor deck off my wife’s office. I have no clue what they are doing. There is nowhere into the house up there, and no access to any crawl spaces or anything… but it seems like they are just having fun climbing around. They were specifically doing it when the wind-chimes were going crazy so I wonder if they were going up to investigate that. I figured if nothing else you could see cute Raccoons doing Raccoon things.

I am bummed about the wreath, but it is what it is. This is all learning experiences as I shuffle forward into my first attempts at 3D printing.